So, I was going for evaluation at a pain management office for a “degenerative disc”. Because of the opioid crisis, they screen everyone for signs of drug dependency. (This is not my issue, I’ve still got stuff left from my 2017 surgery). I had a hard time behaving myself while completing their screening questionnaire, however, which is meant to be straight-up serious. Here are the highlights. (No disrespect is intended to any who have struggled with addiction or mental health issues….):
1) HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE MOOD SWINGS? So, do you mean per week or per day?
3) HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT IMPATIENT WITH YOUR DOCTORS? Need to discuss, I’m an RN…..
4) HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT THAT THINGS ARE JUST TOO OVERWHELMING THAT YOU CAN’T HANDLE THEM? Um, I have a full-time job and an adolescent….
5) HOW OFTEN IS THERE TENSION IN THE HOME? Um, I have a husband and an adolescent….
8) HOW OFTEN DO YOU FEEL BORED? What does the word bored mean?
12) HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT A CRAVING FOR MEDICATION? Whenever I have to take my kids into Kroger with me.
14) HOW OFTEN HAVE OTHERS TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD A BAD TEMPER? Do I have to answer that question to receive care?
*PSA: Fortunately, I was filling out my form in pencil, because my husband made me erase all my answers.☹️☹️😬
From tonight’s You Can’t Make This Stuff Up parenting corner:
(yelling erupts from across the house)
Adolescent Diva: “The Little Prince peed on the floor!”
Prince: “No I didn’t! I spitted!”
I walk to the kids’ bathroom, where the little prince is sitting on the toilet (he really should get more privacy) and the diva is standing in the doorway like a beat cop ready to give report. She points emphatically at a single square of toilet paper lying on the floor beside the toilet, with a clear wet spot spreading in the middle.
“Walk in that direction!” I order my adolescent, as I point my finger behind me towards her bedroom. As she stomps off, I take a step further into the bathroom and stare at the wet tissue square.
“Did you pee on the floor?” I ask my son.
“No,” he replies, still on the toilet.
“Did you spit on the floor?”
“Don’t do that!”
I walk away.
Later, I walk back into the bathroom with my son to give him a bath. The square of toilet paper still sits on the floor, the wet spot has now expanded. My son’s reaction?:
– Dieting SUCKS. My minister once said, “Dieting just means you’re hungry.” Yup. But I am NOT buying a new wardrobe just because my booty is now padded with palliative cookies!
– Any conversation with your child that includes them asking, “Can we buy some Vaseline?” is going to be equal parts hilarious and disturbing. Boy, that girl’s convinced she can convince me of anything.
– There may come a day…..when I laugh that my son got threatened with the principal’s office for telling butt jokes in the cafeteria…..but today is not that day….