scenes from This Ludicrous Life: Pain med questionnaire

So, I was going for evaluation at a pain management office for a “degenerative disc”.  Because of the opioid crisis, they screen everyone for signs of drug dependency. (This is not my issue, I’ve still got stuff left from my 2017 surgery).  I had a hard time behaving myself while completing their screening questionnaire, however, which is meant to be straight-up serious.  Here are the highlights. (No disrespect is intended to any who have struggled with addiction or mental health issues….):

1) HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE MOOD SWINGS?  So, do you mean per week or per day?

3) HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT IMPATIENT WITH YOUR DOCTORS?  Need to discuss, I’m an RN…..

4) HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT THAT THINGS ARE JUST TOO OVERWHELMING THAT YOU CAN’T HANDLE THEM?  Um, I have a full-time job and an adolescent….

5) HOW OFTEN IS THERE TENSION IN THE HOME?  Um, I have a husband and an adolescent….

8) HOW OFTEN DO YOU FEEL BORED?  What does the word bored mean?

12) HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT A CRAVING FOR MEDICATION?  Whenever I have to take my kids into Kroger with me.

14) HOW OFTEN HAVE OTHERS TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD A BAD TEMPER?  Do I have to answer that question to receive care?

*PSA: Fortunately, I was filling out my form in pencil, because my husband made me erase all my answers.☹️☹️😬

scenes from This Ludicrous Life: the Tardis

Forget clowns in a car, I think my closet is the Tardis! So our plumbing decided to go all Poltergeist on us with a leak in the wall. I got to play “How fast can you turn off the water to the house and clear the way to the attic manhole in your closet?”. Ten minutes later, this was the result, spewed into my not-huge bedroom. Hopefully there’s another dimension of intergalactic space attached to the closet, or else I have no human hope of getting it all back in there, God hasn’t created that big of a shoe horn! Of course, I could use my previous method of “open door, toss something in, shut door before feeling accountable”, but that usually takes months to complete and I can’t reach my yoga pants drawer right now.

scenes from This Ludicrous Life: things I never expected to say

Your tongue should not be touching your brother’s face.

Why are there dry erase markers in the bathroom, you ask? You don’t want to know.

Hubby, you’ve mixed up my underwear and our daughter’s.

We are not using Satan as a character in stories, ok?

I am not interested in discussing your butt.

Oh cool! Fireball whiskey is only 100 calories!

scenes from This Ludicrous Life #3: The Sun Visor

I did not expect the happiness I would feel over a sun visor! For whatever reason, my 2006 vehicle needed a SECOND driver’s side sun visor replaced.  It was once again developing a single position choice, which was straight down and hitting you in the face.  Not so great for visibility.  During Round One of this problem, the body shop charged me $400 (yikes), claiming “cost of labor”.

So this time, hubby said he would fix it himself. He tapped around on his phone and told me the part would arrive soon. A little while ago he sauntered into the house and announced that he had successfully replaced the visor for $40! Awesome sauce! Then he proceeded to give me a cheesy grin and discuss how I could repay my debt to him….(Insert eye roll here.) And I thought the body shop had been the weasel!

scenes from This Ludicrous Life #2: Flashback- The Spit

From tonight’s You Can’t Make This Stuff Up parenting corner:

(yelling erupts from across the house)

Adolescent Diva: “The Little Prince peed on the floor!”

Prince: “No I didn’t! I spitted!”

I walk to the kids’ bathroom, where the little prince is sitting on the toilet (he really should get more privacy) and the diva is standing in the doorway like a beat cop ready to give report. She points emphatically at a single square of toilet paper lying on the floor beside the toilet, with a clear wet spot spreading in the middle.

“Walk in that direction!” I order my adolescent, as I point my finger behind me towards her bedroom. As she stomps off, I take a step further into the bathroom and stare at the wet tissue square.

“Did you pee on the floor?” I ask my son.

“No,” he replies, still on the toilet.

“Did you spit on the floor?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t do that!”

“Okay.”

I walk away.

Later, I walk back into the bathroom with my son to give him a bath. The square of toilet paper still sits on the floor, the wet spot has now expanded. My son’s reaction?:

“Ew! That toilet paper is still on the floor!”

Really?

scenes from This Ludicrous Life #1

Things I learned this week:

– Dieting SUCKS. My minister once said, “Dieting just means you’re hungry.” Yup. But I am NOT buying a new wardrobe just because my booty is now padded with palliative cookies!

– Any conversation with your child that includes them asking, “Can we buy some Vaseline?” is going to be equal parts hilarious and disturbing. Boy, that girl’s convinced she can convince me of anything.

– There may come a day…..when I laugh that my son got threatened with the principal’s office for telling butt jokes in the cafeteria…..but today is not that day….